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What is love?

I’m with the band out on the road right now, have been since Feb 14th. Pretty long stretch. I miss Jamie more than ever. We had planned for us to connect midway through the tour so that it wouldn’t be three weeks apart from each other and…well…let’s just say things didn’t work out, so we have been apart a long time and it’s really dragging me down. I miss Jamie a lot. I feel like I show it often too, people have been asking me what’s wrong…got my wife on my mind.

This tour is my second tour as tour manager. For those who don’t know, that means that I am responsible for making the show happen, making sure people are where they need to be when, dealing with promoters, handling all issues that arise, and of course mixing for the Stellar Kart boys. Pretty much handling all logistics/schedule for the tour. There are three bands out with us; Fireflight, Esterlyn, and Bread of Stone. All great bands to work with and it’s been a pretty decent show. There definitely last week was a string of shows where attendances were low…like 100-150, pretty discouraging for me putting in all the work. I try to remind myself that even if only one person is encouraged by the show and makes a step in their life for the positive that its worth it. It keeps me going.

I’ve been kinda down lately though. Being away from Jamie for this long gets me thinking. When I’m with Jamie, I feel loved. When I’m on the road, I feel appreciated. I miss feeling loved. When I worked for OneTimeBlind, I felt both loved and appreciated, they were the best people that Jamie or myself ever met and I definitely consider myself lucky to have had them in my life, and me in theirs. Yesterday we were at a church where in the morning, I was chomping on some cereal and in walks Tony Shaver, former member of OTB who was working at the church. We couldn’t believe it.

I think I felt the same way at Willow, appreciated, not loved. I would say that’s fine and appropriate. Believe me, I am not complaining at all. I know there are those out there who never feel appreciated or loved, I consider myself blessed. But it kinda hit me tonight that I need to be loved, and thus probably why I miss Jamie so much, besides the fact that I love being with her and spending time with her, but because she loves me.

I’m not saying I don’t enjoy working for Stellar Kart. They rock, it’s fun, they are fun, and it’s a good time had by all. We started a kinda newish thing where we’ve been having some bible study type time before every show this tour. Funny how priorities can get shifted sometimes and you don’t even think about it, but it’s great to spend some time in the word and praying each night. Probably another reason why I have felt so empty is not having that time in my daily schedule for so long and not feeling God’s love in my life, even though I contentiously know that He does.

I don’t really have a conclusion to my thoughts, just that I’m ready to be with the one’s I love, and the one’s who love me.

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